On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
