Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
