Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
