it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
