I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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