I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
