when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
