God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Randomize
