Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
