He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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