he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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