We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
