break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
