I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
