Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
