I think I died a long time ago.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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