Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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