considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
