I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Randomize
