First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
