I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm determined to sit on that face.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
