After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
