I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
