I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
