Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
