I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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