I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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