I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
