The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
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I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
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You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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