were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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