DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
