Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
