nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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