Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
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You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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