Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
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