the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
FUCK WHALES
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
