Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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