Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
