i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
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