I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
The Olympian is in my bed
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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