Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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