NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
