He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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