Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Randomize
