i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
