I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
