my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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