Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
