Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Randomize