i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Randomize
