I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
