Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i think i have two assholes
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
