the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
