i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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