If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
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