I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
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It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
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I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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