I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
