Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
