He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
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