remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
