you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
